Cheetah Balls

Photo Card

2011-12-13T19:28:00.001-06:00

Shiny Sparkly Ornaments Christmas

Create personalized Christmas photo cards at Shutterfly.com.

View the entire collection of cards.

You Don't Say!

2011-09-18T10:58:00.000-06:00

VulgarWizard: mouth pain 2/10

Gentlemanrook: Obviously homebound.

More Medical Record Oddities

2011-09-04T08:51:00.000-06:00

"NOSE
Documentation of Skilled Intervention/Instructions/Management Problems: pt reports "it is not this morning but it was last night."

WTF? It wasn't a nose last night?

Cutting Off Bits

2010-06-24T16:45:00.000-06:00

Yes, another bit of medical foolishness. This one from a physical therapist who reported that the patient had undergone a toe ambulation. This is what VW and I chatted about after.

10:00 AM Irrelephant
I just got a report from a PT stating that a patient's toe had been "ambutated."

10:00 AM VulgarWizard
LMFAO!!!! Cheetah Balls
hehehehehe

10:00 AM Irrelephant
I tell ya.

10:00 AM VulgarWizard
I bet that cost a pretty penny

10:01 AM Irrelephant
I'm sure. Ambutations aren't cheap anymore.

10:01 AM VulgarWizard
= "transported by ambulance" I bet
lol

10:01 AM Irrelephant
LOL
While having bits of you cut off.

10:01 AM VulgarWizard
Toe removed from scene of the accident via ambulance...
hehe

10:01 AM Irrelephant
LOL

10:01 AM VulgarWizard
Patient remained on site to complete police reports.

10:01 AM Irrelephant
*SNORT*

Optics

2010-06-13T13:58:00.000-06:00

Another in what seems to be becoming a medical-themed Cheetah Balls run. Talk about your harsh doctors: “PER MD ORDERS PATIENT UNABLE TO SEE OUT OF EYES AT THIS TIME”

Work Hijinks

2010-06-04T16:49:00.000-06:00

HAMLET: How absolute the knave is! We must speak by the card, or equivocation will undo us.

I swear, going over reams and reams of clinical data every day I see some stupid stuff. Some days though the stupid stuff really goes well beyond stupid and trips lightly into that ethereal realm of things that are genuinely funny but in a really sad and pathetic way.

Our physical therapists, when doing an initial evaluation for a new patient have in their forms a tool called a "Fall Risk Assessment." It's just like it sounds--an assessment of a person's risk of falling, or falling again. I found this in an evaluation today. The agent's text is in all caps because they all type that way:

Assessment of Fall History:
Where did the fall occur: FELL DOWN SOME STAIRS
What was the patient doing when the fall occurred: WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS

Wow. You don't say. I thought for sure the agent was going to say this elderly lady was launching her two-man glider.

Wait, you've still got four toes?

2010-05-29T07:01:00.003-06:00

At long last, Cheetah Balls is again in full effect!!!!

Observe:

Irrelephant: "This lady is SO not homebound. Second toe amputation. Cripes."

Vulgar Wizard: "nothing in my Q, gonna get slammed later."

Irr: "I've still got four."

VW: "I could have done that for her."

Irr: "Slammed her? lol"

VW: "no, amputated her second toe!"

VW: "Wait, you've still got four toes?"

Irr: "*lol*"

Running On At The Head

2009-02-01T18:25:00.003-06:00

VW and I used to do this thing when we worked together.

No, not THAT thing, a different thing. We worked about fifteen feet apart and could see each other and talk at normal levels, but there was something about email that set us both off. It didn't take much for one or the other of us to report some little tidbit or other to set the other off on a tangent and then we'd try and see which of us could be stranger.

We still do that, now that we work several miles apart but not nearly as often. Being on two different work wavelengths must do that to a body. Anyway, here's what we managed recently:

From: Irrelephant
Sent: Wednesday, January 28, 2009 4:11 PM
To: Vulgar Wizard
Subject: Re: Obsession.

The new scent from Budweiser.

From: Vulgar Wizard
Sent: Wednesday, January 28, 2009 4:11 PM
To: Irrelephant
Subject: Re: Obsession.

What??!?!?!

Irr: I don’t know, I’m reaching here.

Just runnin’ my mouth. *G* Haven’t been able to accomplish anything today, figured I’d just run on at the head.

VW: Woooowwww.

Irr: The local just passed carrying two center-spine lumber cars, then about a jillion boxcars, then a center spine lumber car. *shrug*

VW: Then a spineless jellyfish . . .

Irr: Then an oblong llama.

VW: Then a bearded fat lady singing.

Irr: Then a clean-shaven emaciated guy mumbling poetry.

VW: Then R.A. on two wheels with a flaming ostomy.

Irr: Then an elephant precisely balanced on the border of Poland and Russia.

VW: And THEEEENNNN a little man with a big shovel and a kilt for some odd reason.

Irr: And then behind him an even smaller man with a smaller shovel and a kilt (also smaller.)

So, my question now becomes--what would YOU put next?

Holiday Treats

2008-12-30T18:27:00.001-06:00

VW and I were email chatting like we always do, and I texted her a photo of some artfully arranged Xmas colour M&M's. When she suggested that I'd get MRSA from them (my Sweaty Fat Rolls co-worker has a child who seems to STAY with MRSA breakouts) I wrote back:

Mmmmm...I'd like more of those M & MRSA’s. They necrotize your mouth, not your hands.

Carnies

2008-12-07T18:17:00.001-06:00

Irrelephant: Window Witch.

Vulgar Wizard: WHAT?!?!!?

Irr: *lol* SFR. She’s a Window Witch now that I’m back in my cubbyhole.

VW: OIC! Not the best people greeter?

Irr: Quite the other problem —- she trapped a marketer up front for almost half an hour talking about her kids and so forth. I could HEAR him trying to get out but she never stopped. It was sad, and pathetic, and smelled like desperation, weed, sunshine and farts.

VW: So, what you're telling me is, she's a carnie?

Irr: Mebbe. She’s certainly disgusting enough to be one. And has the accent and the education and the MRSA.

VW: Ew, she has MRSA now? Couldn't stop picking her son's scabs, eh?

Irr: *yarf*
No, I was just being sick, but you won that round.

VW: Nice. Cheetal Bals victory for me!

I like your hat.

2008-11-23T14:48:00.001-06:00

Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas SpecialSunday, Nov 16

Jeff Dunham - Afraid of Walter

Clarity

2008-11-21T17:36:00.003-06:00

Today's email hijinks--

What I wrote:

From: Irrelephant
Sent: Friday, November 21, 2008 1:06 PM
To: Sweaty Fat Rolls
Cc: Business Office Manager
Subject: Patient schedule conflict, FYI

Patient X's caregiver called fifteen minutes before noon looking for their “aide” and her schedule, as ‘they had somewhere to be.’ I told caregiver I would contact the agent and have them call with ETA. Checked the schedule: Patient X does not have aides, nor are aides ordered. Spoke to (our Occupational Therapist,) who said she has been refused and told not to return to pt’s house. Spoke to (Our LPN) who has already completed today’s visit for patient. Tried to call patient back, phone did not answer, no answering machine.

Irrelephant, credentials
Very Big Home Health
phone number
fax number
my email address

“There is work ahead but much joy. There is joy ahead but much work.”
~anon

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What SHE replied:

From: Sweaty Fat Rolls
Sent: Friday, November 21, 2008 1:02 PM
To: Irrelephant
Cc: Business Office Manager
Subject: RE: Patient schedule conflict, FYI

I tried to call patient and no answer. This patient doesn’t have aide as you already I feel the patient is confused/caregiver. I will try to get them again later today. Thanks for the email

Sweaty Fat Rolls
Credentials
Very Big Home Health
phone

Uhm...can I buy a coherent sentence, Pat?

Caveat--working with a moronic fatass who brags that she had four years of high school and "she's dund with that" will make you want to hurt someone bad.

Warning! Danger! Imminent Death!

2008-09-21T11:34:00.000-06:00

Cannonball Butt Plug

2008-09-09T17:49:00.001-06:00

Vulgar Wizard: RA just told me, his supervisor, another counselor, and his new assistant that he lied to the consumer who's actually in the hallway making his way to RA's office in his own wheelchair, because "I just like picking on him. I have him thinking he's getting a hearing aid that fits over his whole ear." So, he enjoys picking on people with disabilities now . . . because he's known this guy for 20 years, and he's in a wheelchair and needs a hearing aid, it's all fun and games?

I hope the guy punches him.

Irrelephant: So wait, RA said this where the client could HEAR him? Oh gods I hope he’s not THAT deaf…I hope he heard the whole thing and reports him way up the line.

VW: He is, and he won't . . . Now RA is through with the guy and he's down the hall bitching about him.

Irr: *weep*

VW: I wish he'd retire.

Irr: I wish he’d roll into an open elevator shaft.

VW: I wish he'd roll under a beer truck.

Irr: I wish he’d bathe in chum and go bobbing in the Gulf of Mexico.

VW: I wish he'd paint his face, tie strings to his feet, and make himself a puppet show.

Irr: I wish he’d put on pink spandex, a feather boa and some buttchaps and roll hisself into Angola’s dayyard singing “I Gotta Be Me.”

VW: I wish he'd join the Village People and call himself "Speedy."

Irr: I wish he’d smother himself in KY, wedge himself into a cannon and have himself shot into Elaine’s arsehole.

VW: NICE. You win. Cheetah Balls.

Think Pink

2008-09-09T08:04:00.002-06:00

Quoted directly off a Recertification packet in my moron DOO's handwriting: “7/05/08 – c/o diarrhea new order Pepto Dismal.”

{VOICEOVER}

“That’s right Mister and Missus America! Try new Pepto Dismal for all your stomach ailments! It coats, soothes, relieves, and leaves you with a bleak and dreary outlook all day long! Remember, for all your upper GI ailments and to end your birght and sunny disposition be sure and ask for it by name! PEPTO DISMAL!”

Another Show Bites the Dust

2008-06-22T18:16:00.000-06:00

The List 6.22.08

PRESHOW:

I has an estuary . . . let me show you it!
Good times.

SHOW:
The Pacific Ocean is claiming my son’s socks.
It sounds like Stucco is spinning the Twister wheel.
What the hell, may I ask, were you doing on my repel tower?
This is what not to do, *whoooosh*.
Is there a big market for second-hand superhero gear?
In my mind, it’s bad-ass.
Who’s the arch rival?
Why don’t you McGuyver some of that shit?
I’m still working on the infinite number of monkeys/infinite number of typewriters idea.
Asking for warning labels might be a little preemptive.
Broke-ass ganstas
Have we discussed frog butt?
Turn left NOW!
Turtle ‘tocks: http://www.flickr.com/photos/vulgarwizard/2598508781/
Everything’s brown out here.
California and Oregon are the new Florida?
Batgirl wears the skin-tight vinyl Batgirl suit, right? Lie to me if you have to.
Who needs Viagra?
Touch a jellyfish to your package.
Bail out red leader!
Maybe the Brit chick needs to set her watch.
Spitening Round!
*bizorch*
I peed in a light socket.
EVERYTHING GIVES HIM GAS!
Does this look infected?
It looks self-inflicted.
Humping a bus driver, what?
Don’t worry, Dirty Uncle Jiggles will help you.
Dropping deuces left and right
At least it isn’t in my cone.
Christina Aguilera is straight outta Compton, right?
She beat her phone into submission.
Please massa – no mo! I’s be a good phone.
I already beat the cone into submission. It was a grudge match.
Put the smack down on that ass!
Pink is the new black.
Can I get a mulligan?
BTR is really starting to chap my cone zone. I’m getting bent here.
Fuck all that nose. Noise.
I did most of the inappropriate touching. Scott’s a ho.
I no need guns.
I no need hall pass.
119 is nature’s way of saying eff yourself.
*Schmoopie bitch-slaps Stucco*
Who the fuck needs a cone?
Vinyl buttsuit?
Hit him with the Bible!
One hotel had the teachings of Buddha.
We passed a strip club on the way down called Jiggles.
Home of the Flopper
With a spoon? Like the ninja nurses do?
It said, “BJ Cummings.”
The late Mrs. Swallows
Sounds like a do-wop band.

POSTSHOW:

All up in yo ass!
You made BTR’s bunghole angry.
Come out with your pants down!
That would be me . . . I’m a couple of five-year-olds.
He needs bag balm.
If it ain’t something you don’t use on a moustache, he don’t know what it is.
It's like having another hand on the farm or a helper around the house.
I first started using this on my mother when
NEXT WEEK, SIR? I’M NOT SURE I UNDERSTOOD YOU.
I can haz beech?
Gestapo Finland?
There’s always room for Jell-O
PRONG

Chortle Balls: OMGWTFBBQKTHXBAI

2008-06-20T17:19:00.002-06:00

When his idiotic coworker(s) asked him where the copier was, Irrelephant emailed this to me:

"They put the copier in the bullpen---in the walkway. Facing the in-home tubs it’s directly behind you."

Unleash the Cheetah Balls!!!!!

VW: "Oh, they didn't tell you? They had to sell it to pay the light bill this month."

Irr: Bwah hah hah!

VW: "We had to sell it to provide bottled water for the field staff."

Irr: *snort*

VW: "We've gone paperless, remember?"

Irr: Oh yes. Right in the hallway.

VW: " . . . because Shit-For-Brains needs more room to spread paperwork haphazardly across the entire square footage of his office."

Irr: True ‘dat.

VW: "The copier turned in its resignation."

Irr: *chortle* Is it raining there? It was raining two miles from my house and to just before the office.

Somehow, I get the impression that this exchange was much more therapeutic for me than for him.

*ponder*

The List - 6/15/08

2008-06-16T16:08:00.000-06:00

Dirty Uncle Jiggles
I have this horrible fear of alligators.
pre-shredded for your ease
Weeelllll, this is a RURAL post office; we were waitin' fer ya to call and say you were ready!
Yee-muthafuckin'-haw!
Fancy Dan
SEACREST OUT of cones!
Put the cone out there and let it mow!
I found Al Gore at the end of my Internets.
I like the remote control vibe panties.
Pompadours Save!
I'm a damned Hanson dweeb!
There's too much porn that needs to be looked at.
You're in a dark room. Your balls hurt. What do you do?
I miss my Atari.
"Thanks for the sex, early 90's printer."
Pron is great, pron is good, let us thank it for this food . . . yadda, yadda, yadda
HEAVY! BLACK! PENDULOUS!
It was about a werebeaver.
Her cooter grows teeth and has to gnaw down some trees.
OMG, she looked like Amy Winehouse!
It's not ah toomah!
Sex versus robes . . . I'm sorry, it's all over.
Church of Poonanny
Church of Cooter
Catha-ho-lick
Baptits
Coneunion
Press-my-teary-uns
Stuccoirr Penis Wafers
Body of Christ, part of this complete breakfast
Heresy Bars
poonTANG . . . the asstronauts drank it!
gummi light houses
Condition REG-GUMMI-COCK, high alert, people!
Soylent Stucco is Peeps.

http://www.rei.com/
http://www.joeydevilla.com/2008/06/11/gummi-lighthouses-when-candy-design-goes-terribly-hilariously-wrong/

Old El Passo Cheetah Balls

2008-06-11T10:40:00.002-06:00

Vulgar Wizard: The border patrol will be headhunting for employees tomorrow at the local job center, FYI.

Irrelephant: So er….what border do we need to be patrolling?

VW: I don't know, but I'm sure it'd be the Mexican one. I can see it now. They put shoe black in your facial hair, wax your moustache into two nice little curls, dress you in Mexican garb with a sombrero and bullets across your chest. They teach you to say, "the coast is clear, man, go," in Spanish, and they catch them on the other side.

So, you game for that or what?

Irr: Yeaaaaaah, I could speak with a pronounced accent and shout “Ole’” a lot. Plus I look strikingly handsome in a serape’.

VW: Score!

So I Can Pee On Him

2008-05-20T16:37:00.003-06:00

Vulgar Wizard: true 'dis

Common Sense Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their spoiled and self-important children. It declined even further when schools were required to get written parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Band-Aid to students, but were restricted from informing parents when their child became pregnant and skipped class to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses, schools were forbidden to fail students who couldn't read, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a severe beating when home owners were forbidden from using force against an attacker in their own home but the burglar was legally allowed to sue a home owner if he was injured on their property during the commission of the crime.
Common Sense finally died after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was actually hot and, when spilled in her lap while she was trying to drink and drive at the same time, was burned, and promptly awarded a huge financial settlement in court.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Irrelephant: *g* This is one of the few forwards that I realllllly like.

VW: I printed it to hang in my office.

Irr: *snort* So have they crucified Wheel Boy yet?

VW: No, but it's supposedly coming. He just told me to do something that our supervisor told me I can't do, which I told him she said I couldn't do last week. But, since she's not here, I guess he's not concerned with rules. I emailed her to let her know. *sigh*

Irr: Nooge! Just keep swinging, Pootie. You’ll knock him clear out of the park and he’ll die alone and eaten by his seven poodles one day in his apartment and they won’t find him for weeks and all that will be left of him is seven fat poodles, an ostomy bag and his chair.

VW: You know, he actually has ONE poodle now and lives at home with his mama. hehehe

Irr: I’m tellin’ ya, it’s gonna go down JUST LIKE THAT!

VW: Sad, sad little barstard.

Irr: Yuppers. I wanna be the one who finds him.

VW: LOL! Why?

Irr: So I can pee on him.

VW: Nice.

Mecca lecca high mecca hiney ho!

2008-05-06T08:57:00.002-06:00

VW: I always want to answer these, "your wish is granted, long live Jambi."

Txxx Vxxx 5/6/2008 8:23 AM >>>
VW,

Please grant me access to Vxxxxxxx Bxxxxx.

Irr: *LMAO* Long live Jambi!

Email conversation 3.14.08

2008-03-16T16:38:00.002-06:00

Me: NS 9899 and NS 9540 with AGP tankers, what you saw earlier, so what, about fifteen minutes to get from you to me?

Irrelephant: Yeaaaah, that's about right. Figure they can keep up speed until they get close to Airbase Rd. then they're reaching the point where they have to slow for the outside edge of the yard limits unless they're just blazing right on thru.

Me: Some of them blaze right on thru into the yard some days, kind of scarey really.

Irrelephant: I think they keep that very outside line at the Alex yard for those trains, the hotshots and the Zline express machines. I guess that's the "Danger, Don't Stand Over There And Smoke" line.

Me: *bizorch*

Irrelephant: Chess. If we had scanners we'd hear their destination monikers prefaced by the word "Bizorch."

Me: "Bizorch 9890 southbound, watch-the-fuck-out"

Irr: "Those rails are as crooked as a snake's belly."

Me: "Dispatch, we have fire on the rails, over."

Irr: *lol* "No cancel that, we've got some dork smoking what appears to be a dog's tail on the rails, over"

Me: "Roger that, he appears to have some kind of photographic device. We're taking him out, over."

Irr: "Control, I hit the bitch!"

The Weekly Catchphrase - Volume 5

2008-02-24T13:13:00.000-06:00

Thank you Stucco, mostly.

naughty poetry
All Christian Home Health
What about rock hard boners?
Adam Greenfield is naked.
fish fucker
tyubes
Thor demands it.
ball lightening
I know somebody who just bought a Fiat.
Call the White House switchboard.
Tapioca Talkers Radio Network
touch my cleemon
My word of the day is "down."
weeping nards
Isn't it bionic?
It's spelled dCoUwNnT.
I guess I can't do a cone update, huh?
I'm going to say "down" every episode.
poo fighters too
Wardrobes
There once was a woman from Malone . . .
schmoop deck
Benjamin Franklin wasn't a president.
PISS OUT MY ASS!!!!
The Green Cone - solar power panel included - can only use it on the roof - battery backup for cloudy days - windmill attachment
scayle
I have a passion for anachronisms.
http://www.steamream.com
It's okay to swallow, you can't get pregnant.
It's a SACKreMENt.
snake handling
backasswards
Train bridges are nice places to "have relations."
copulatory endeavors
upside-down backwards and in the wrong place
bridge boneration
hang VW out to dry
All cones are welcome.
threw the hot dog down the hallway

Weekly Catchphrase List - Volume 4

2008-02-17T10:38:00.000-06:00

This one's a real gem.

God, I miss Python so bad!
Are we having fun yet?
We have a subject.
Shameless plug
Shovel it in, y'all.
Don't eat your keyboard.
Internet Exploder
Rosey Palms
Two pickets to Titsburgh
Off the rails
Man, I ain't gettin' my Climax!
I don't see titties!
Itty Bitty Gang Bang
Beauty and the Hosebeast
I want you to get upstairs and get into my bed!
It's because of the metric system.
A pound hound
Nazi cows and Nazi corn and Nazi grain and Nazi wheat!
I about peed my nancypants.
Big Sallie Jessie glasses
The whole argument train WOOOOOOOOOOO-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Bastages
Craptastic
Fan-damn-tastic
Inverted nipples
One-eyed wonder worm
Felt like a breeder?
Meeting in a dark room
Mmmmm, Danish
Heers
Hair Pie

Listen to the archived show here, beyotches.

Weekly Catchphrase List - courtesy of The Irrelephant Show

2008-02-10T13:34:00.000-06:00

I've gotten a little behind in my work (i.e., I kept up with these lists for Irr but neglected to post them on my on blog), and so, for your viewing pleasure, the first three Weekly Catchphrase Lists from The Irrelephant Show(formerly knowns as The Sunday Vagapocolypse).

Weekly Catch Phrase - Volume 1
- ass gaskets
- ass chiggers
- urinal talkers
- go have a growler
- Wink Martindale
- zombie prom
- triple x box
- assless chaps
- ass beret
- wet naps
- sex toy cone
- putting the trunk to good work
- French tickler
- giant green dong
- hard, molded plastic feathering
- whisker burn

Weekly Catchphrase List - Volume 2
- creepy balcony guy
- Show our tits?
- Turn left now.
- Is she the mamma?
- Daughter of the Vibrating Cone
- FUCKERRRRRR
- Paul Revere Ribeye
- Jewish squirrel
- urinal cake
- catch the gay

Weekly Catchprase List - Volume 3
- Once you go ear canal
- Dildo between the stubby little toes
- Nigga, please
- Trunk below the waist
- Third nipple
- OEM
- What do you have spare on your body?
- Metric fuck-tons
- 60 sandwiches in a cookie jar
- I don't answer questions about zombies
- Turducken tendancy
- thorax
- The Monkey House
- Skunky FReTs are for special guitars
- Goran
- A little loincloth
- When Granny pops over for tea
- What's a man's bits?
- The iVangina
- Specially branded iKY
- It's time for a cone!
- Cone Warning List - do not ingest; do not microwave; do not place too close to the television; may cause harmful side effects if used in back alleys; always use a clean cone; store cone in room-temperature area; do not freeze; do not puncture.
- Pluggin' the balls
- Bad coke

Cheetah Balls Drops a Deuce!

2008-01-06T09:40:00.001-06:00

The second installment of The Sunday Vagapocolypse, which is already undergoing name change and isn't a complete hour old yet, can be heard here if you missed us this morning. We actually had a real, live caller other than ME, so that was nice. :) Set yourself up with an email reminder to catch us next week, kthxbai!

Director of Cheetah Balls

2008-01-03T13:11:00.000-06:00

After sending Irrelephant a link to some local job opportunities, I received the following response, which led to the following conversation(s).

Irrelephant: I should become a structrual engineer. Yeaaaah. Or a Director of Education. Wheee!

Vulgar Wizard: Oh God.

Irr: No? *blink blink*

VW: Director of Education?
Uhm.
How do I put this delicately?
No.

Irr: *lol* Blast.

. . .

After informing Irr that I would shortly have my most recent trainspotting photos uploaded for his viewing pleasure . . .

Irr: Wheeee! Can't wait. Did you get the pdf of (most) all the UP engines and their call numbers?

VW: Yeah, I got them, looked over a few, then got off the computer to watch TWO NEW HOURS OF LAW AND ORDER, TONIGHT, TWO NEW SHOWS, BACK-TO-BACK, DON'T MISS IT..... sorry.

Irr: *lol* Aaaaaah, gotcha. It's a nice reference, especially if you want to sent photos/get exposure in some of the more specific groups--there's some out there for fallen flags only, for EMD units, for specific EMD units (there's one for that SD40 you were in, that'd be a nice one for an interior view,) and on and on and on. You'd be surprised at the amount of exposure you can garner with just a handfull of groups. Just this morning someone found graffiti that I had photographed that HE AND HIS WIFE had done...a married team of vandals, who woulda thunk it?

VW: We need to start doing that mess.

Irr: Graffiti?

VW: Yes! Graffiti!

Irr: Er...how shall I phrase this delicately?

NO.

VW: Blast.

Cheetah Balls Has a Voice For Radio!

2008-01-01T15:12:00.001-06:00

The maiden voyage of the Vajapocolypse took place this morning . . . if you're interested in the short mayhem that took place, feel free to check in here, and please set yourself up with a reminder for the next "show."

:)

Inclement Cheetah

2007-12-10T19:35:00.000-06:00

Message from Corporate: "The following locations are closed today due to inclement weather . . ."

Vulgar Wizard: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

Irrelephant: I wish we had us some clement.

VW: Clemon?

Irr: Ew, no! That stuff is nasty, and you never quite get the smell out of the upholstery.

VW: OIC

Irr: Er, so I'm told.

VW: So, they might want to sell some kind of epoxy removal solution for that stuff.

Irr: I think I've seen Billy Mayes, that loud guy with the black beard selling something on TV that's supposed to be good for clemon removal. Plus you get a free scrubbing brush, a knife sharpener, and if you call within the next 10 minutes and use your credit card they'll double your order for free! (Buyer responsible for all applicable S&H and dangerous chemical shipping fees).

VW: Nice! I gotta get me some of that mess!

Irr: Hurry, you only have like four minutes to go to take advantage of these great prices!

VW: BLAST!

. . . a few minutes later . . . another message from Corporate: "The following locations are closed today due to inclement weather . . ."

VW: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! Is mah birfday inclement?

Irr: It's not THAT inclement, unless you produce damaging winds, hail or rainfall in excess of two inches an hour.

VW: I better get started then.

Irr: Step to it!~

Meow, baby.

2007-12-08T15:30:00.000-06:00

2007-12-06T16:24:00.000-06:00

Vulgar Wizard:
Irrelephant: *LMAO!*

VW: That’s how I looked at her when she brought me that form this AM.

Irr: YES!

VW: I am sooooooooo disengaged right now, what is this infernal piece of paper you are holding up in front of me, please go away.

Irr: Aaaaaaahahahah! Sorry. I'm just getting the visual of you sitting there typing and someone standing there with a vacant expression. I was gonna request some green tiger tops but T says the LAB doesn't even have them.

VW: WTF is a green tiger top?

Irr: I'm lead to believe it's the same as a red tiger top but much rarer, like it lives in only one place in the Amazon river basin and is endangered by the deforestation. Or something.

VW: That is NOOTS, man! Check eBay.

Irr: Ain't it tho? For what, the Amazon river basin? *lol* Whatchoo sellin'?

VW: No, for the green tiger tops, dummy! I pitty the foo’!

Irr: Instantly slimming.

VW: Leapfrog.

Irr: So this is Xmas.

VW: Yaaaaa-AAAAAAAAA-aaaaaaa-AAAAAA

Irr: WHOA! Whooo whooo whooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo

VW: Good King Whatshisface . . .

Irr: *lol* *rapping* pa rum pa pum pum brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr stickem!

Good grief, I'm going to miss these insane conversations.

Groovin'

2007-11-03T11:10:00.001-06:00

Ah, sweet!!! The A-Team is on!

2007-11-03T07:32:00.000-06:00

"In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team."

A-Team Episode Generator

Story by Cheetah Balls

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The A-Team is hired by Irrelephant to go to Venezuala to rescue Cheetah Balls's sister from Dr. Evil, who is intent on taking control of Venezuala. B.A. is afraid to fly ,so they stop him drinking milk and Murdock flies them to Venezuala.
They arrive and go into the nearest Target where they get into a fight after asking about the client's sister.
They are overwhelmed by twenty or thirty really big villagers. The little village in Venezuala is living in terror of Dr. Evil and the accompanying band of thugs.
Face convinces the villagers to let them go by saying - Come on guys, wouldn't you just rather look at me for a while?
Hannibal comes up with a plan. He has B.A. turn an oozie and a big car lift into a deadly train.
Hannibal pretends to be Mayor West, but Dr. Evil catches on and tries to mangle Hannibal. Murdoch rescues Hannibal at the last second.
Then Hannibal goes in their front door in their deadly train. They manage to defeat all the thugs. Dr. Evil holds a gun to Face's head and escapes using the deadly train as transportation.
The A-Team pursues them. Murdoch shoots out the side window. When Dr. Evil slows down to take a turn Irrelephant's sister jumps out and is helped up by Face.
Hannibal throws explosives, causing the deadly train to crash and flip over . Dr. Evil climbs out unharmed. Hannibal says "Damn straight!".
The A-Team leaves Dr. Evil tied up for the authorities. In the little village in Venezuala there is much rejoicing. In order to get B.A. to fly home though the A-Team has to stop him drinking milk again.

[The End]

Someone needs to change this channel.

2007-11-03T07:20:00.000-06:00

created using chatfu - a comic strip generator

Is there a doctor in the room?!?!?!?!

2007-08-24T06:15:00.000-06:00

This conversation takes place between the hours of 2:46PM on August 14, 2007 and 3:07PM on August 20, 2007 . . . yes, it went on for THAT long.

Irrelephant: OH. Fax for Dr. Paramesh until I get something closer--- 1-504-xxx-xxxx

Vulgar Wizard: Who’s Dr. Parmesan? Wow.

Irr: No, Dr. Paramecium.

VW: Ah, I see, Dr. Paratrooper.

Not Dr. Paratrooper, it only SOUNDS like "Dr. Paratrooper." It's Dr. Pendulous.

No, no, no, it’s Dr. Preposterous.

No, that's preposterous. I keep telling you it's Dr. Preposition.

Dr. Presumption would not be amused by this.

Not if you called him anything but his right name, which is Dr. Parabellum.

No, because I’ve heard him addressed as Dr. Parabola.

Cripes woman, it's Italian! Dr. Perpendicular!!

Dr Peppermint!

Dr. Preschutto!

Dr. Peterbuilt!

Dr. Peninsula!

Dr. Penile!

We're talking about a doctor, not an err.erction. Dr. Perineal!

Dr. Protocol phoned while you were out. He wants his rules back.

BLAST! Dayum that Dr. Pendragon.

I know, right, then Dr. Poirot said we all s.ucked. (is that how you spell Poirot, like the detective?)

Ooooh, you su.ck for pulling that one out of your arse, AND spelling it right.

Dr. Pantaloons.

Pulled that one right out of your Dr. Penultimate.

Dr. Puss . . . in boots!

WHOA! You almost went Dr. Pr0n on me!

Dr. Plutonium.

Dr. Phlebotomist?

Dr. Phlegm.

Get you a script for some Mucinex from Dr. Phlogiston.

Dr. Protagonist said Mucinex is an OTC drug.

Well, Dr. Pugnacious and Dr. Punctillious said that Dr. Protagonist is a pu.tz.

Dr. Pentium III is getting pretty slow in his old age.

Oh. God. How many times do I have to tell you, it's Dr. Petrochemical Jr, not Sr.

Dr. Patriarch.

Dr. Petrovick?

Dr. Prerunner.

Dr. Penfold?

Dr. Pied Piper

Dr. Pissant!

Hehehe . . . Dr. Pinnochio

Dr. Pervical...

Dr. Pinwheel

Dr. Protonix Model XJ-7000

Dr. Prawn 7, M. to be exact.

Whoa! Dr. Pomphius, Nautilus.

Dr. Penelope Cruz

Dr. Peduncle.

Dr. Problematic

amen. Dr. PaTChwOrK.

Dr. Pillsbury

If I hear "Building A Mystery" one more time I'm gonna call Dr. Phil.

Dr. Pretentious Canadian chick…

HAH! Excellent. And if Dr. Phil can't help me I'll call his brother, Dr. Philodendron.

I think we need a new letter or something…

Hold on to your harbles!

2007-08-12T16:51:00.000-06:00

We Change Genitalia

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Physicians of The We Change Genitalia

Dr. Pepper
12 Transient Blvd.
Hells Kitchen, CA 97268
597-851-8756
Sunday, August 12, 2007

RE: Cheetah Balls
Letter of Referral for Sexual Reassignment Surgery

To Whom it May Concern,

The purpose of this letter is to refer my patient, Cheetah Balls, to your services for consideration for Sexual Reassignment Surgery. In my opinion, this is medically necessary, and the logical next step for this patient, as she has exhausted all other methods of dealing with her gender dysphoria.

Currently Cheetah Balls has been diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria, and is in overall good health both mentally and physically otherwise. She has been supervised under a hormone replacement therapy for the last 12 months, while preparing for her surgery. I'm confident that Ms. Cheetah Balls understands the potential consequences and outcomes of the surgery, and has indicated a interest in pursuing this measure. I feel at this time, that SRS is a necessary and appropriate procedure for Ms.Cheetah Balls.

Please Contact me If I can be of any help with this patient.

Sincerly

Pepper, M.D.

Pepper, M.D.

OMG, a flipping update!

2007-07-29T16:52:00.000-06:00

Dear Monsignor Loaded Doodle*,

Greetings to you from Neuvinilon, a suburb of Antixchu. Here, you will find the best bitch slaves in the world. They have very beautiful scars. Ehud Blayne Questell is an Amish manipulative video geek fleeing from a Satanic cult. Jessica Margalit Antoft is a Republican witless administrative assistant in the witness protection scheme; she also happens to be a Neuvinilonian bitch slave. Together, they must fight crime. For this reason, we are unable to send Miss Antoft to you via parcel post. You have two choices; we can put your mail-order bride order on hold, or you may review our catalog to choose another possible wife. In the meantime, your boss is plotting against you, and you have to stop him now! Hide from those who mean to tickle you, and don't sleep; shriners want to eat you.

Sincerely,

Cousin Flaccid Wrinkles

* fake letter composed from various online generators

For Stucco

2007-07-08T13:13:00.001-06:00

2007-07-07T20:50:00.001-06:00

Another Email Exchage Between Me and Irrelephant

2007-07-04T12:23:00.001-06:00

Irr: "I'm in yer calendr, markin off yous days."

VW: "I’m in yer pencil cup, eatin’ yer leads."

Irr: "I'm in your microwaves, eatin' up your Lean Cuisines."

VW: "I in yur drier, stealin’ all sockses."

Irr: "Is in yur office, misfiling all yur papers."

VW: "I bleev u sees sidewayz."

Irr: "Ceiling Cat is watching you type."

VW: "I’m in ur clubz, droppin’ itz like itz hots."

Irr: "Okay, you win."

Yes!!!!

(Mini)Assignment for July 2, 2007

2007-07-01T11:50:00.000-06:00

What kind of alcoholic beverage would Cheetah Balls consume? Would it be a wine? A malt liquor? Whiskey?

Comments please. And suggestions for subject matter are greatly appreciated since I am completely brain-dead today.

Damn, it just started storming. NAPTIME!!!!

Assignment for June 25, 2007

2007-06-16T16:05:00.000-06:00

I don't know what that thing is, but it's gotta be something that will help me think of a clever post for this sorry-ass blog. I can't get anyone to participate in my lame antics. Maybe you all have some Cheetah Balls Assignment ideas?

Maybe you all could give a rat's ass?

Yeah, that's probably it.

I can tell you one thing. Just like Superman and Kryptonite, Cheetah Balls does not go well with old bitchy nurses. Cheetah Balls sees that shit coming, and he's outta there, screaming, "fuck that noise, I'm out, bitches!"

Oooooooo, idea time.

If Cheetah Balls was a super hero, what kind of super hero would he be? What powers would he possess? Would he have to change his name from "Cheetah Balls" to something flashier? I hope not, but I'm not sure what's popular in the super hero market these days. Would he be a good guy or a bad guy? Would there be comic books, and if so, what would they be called? Would Kevin Smith like him? What else can you come up with?

Way Overdue

2007-06-10T14:41:00.000-06:00

As I sit here with a working Internet connection, I can't think of a single thing that's funny, or that would be funny if it were regarded in the Cheetah Balls way.

Maybe I've lost MY balls? No, that couldn't be the case. I picked a fight with my husband this morning. I've still got my balls.

Maybe it's all those funny l33t cat pics I looked at yesterday with the Irrelephant clan? Yeah, that's probably it. I'm scared that I won't measure up to the humor I saw yesterday. Then again, when do I ever do that?

*fart*

Oh, there we go. Stucco probably laughed, or belched in response.

Allow me a few minutes to ponder my dilemma. Be right with you.

*ahem*

Do you think Cheetah Balls takes work home with him from the office?

No, wait, that's me. Never mind.

I know, I'll steal someone else's idea, an unnamed source since there are so many (see l33t cat pics). Your assignment is to caption this photo in the comments. That's it. No need to submit the photo again with edited text, unless you just want to. Maybe YOU have Photoshop, but I have a mortgage and a boat loan and a husband with a totalled vehicle and cannot afford such a luxury. So, go on, caption it.

Peace out!

We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.

2007-06-04T08:39:00.000-06:00

It seems that "Bellsouth and Cingular have joined the new AT&T" screwed up my connection to the Interweb thingie. So, instead of preparing and posting todays assignment yesterday and reading my blogroll, I did laundry and pouted and watched DVD's I've seen a hundred times already.

I have nothing prepared, of course, and if I present a topic, it would of course be something along the lines of Cheetah Balls being a much more dependable ISP if we could harness such energy. But I won't go there. I'm at work and don't have the time, really.

Supposedly, a DSL technician will be at my house between 8AM and 12PM today to "fix" the problem. Maybe tonight I'll be able to list an assignment. Until then, talk amongst yourselves.

Peace out.

Cheetah Balls Memorial Day Celebration

2007-05-28T19:49:00.000-06:00

And, she’s out of there!
Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerike Threeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Whoa. Settle down before you spill your peanuts.
Oh. *bashful* Sorry Grandpa.
I’m your GRANDMOTHER you little bastard. Kids these days, I swear, boy, back when I was young we didn’t believe the world was round!
I'm sorry, Grandma. Your moustache always confuses me.
I’m of Viking decent! It’s part of my heritage. Plus my hormones were never quite right. Didn’t your father ever tell you I worked for Barnum and Bailey’s Circus? I was the bearded woman, only the beard was a fake. I had no problem with the moustache, you see.
*eyes big* I'm sorry, Grandma Sven...I never get tired of that story. Tell me more stories about the time you were a circus freak?
Shaddup, you little bastard, and watch the game.
Whoa! Easy goes there, Grand'ma Sven, or I'll unplug your pacemaker again.
Damn. You’re smarter than I thought. What do they teach you there in public school anyway?
Wellll, they teach us reading, and writing, and math, and sex ed, and how to deal with annoying geratric freaky grandparents with moustaches.
They evidently don’t teach you grammar. You can’t spell for shit boy. Go get me a beer.
Whoa! Go easy on me, Grannie Saggy-Britches, I'm only five. Don't get your knee-dragging tits in an uproar. Can I have one too? I dig Coors.
*whack* Hell no, your dead mother would roll over in her grave if I let you drink. Here’s a twenty, see if you can score us some Lortab.
Ouch! Damn Granny, you hit like a guy. You want some Viagra if I can score that too?
*KICK*
Augh! You're wearing combat boots again, aren't you Sven?

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to create a story about Cheetah Balls that only a grandparent would tell. You know the type of story I'm talking about; the kind where they had to walk to school 10 miles barefoot in the snow.

2007-05-27T11:49:00.001-06:00

I got my name in lights with notcelebrity.co.uk

Welcome to Cheetah Balls 2.0: The UPN Version

2007-05-24T18:29:00.001-06:00

After a short discussion today, it was decided that I should take over at Cheetah Balls for Irrelephant. So, he tore that shit down, and I put this shit up. We'll see how that plays out. I'm not promising ANYTHING.

The email conversation that took place today while Hinder played on the radio, and not that stupid Lips of an Angel song, that other stupid one, where he says he misses how her innocence tastes. Ew.

Vulgar Wizard: I’ve always wondered, Irrelephant, how does your innocence taste?
Irrelephant: Kind of firm and fruity, with just a little touch of leather at the end.
OH, wow. Ok.
Hey, you asked.
But how do YOU know how it tastes?
I used to sample it until I realised that I was using it all up. It always made for a nice after-dinner smoke.
I had NO idea you could smoke innocence. Is that anything like incense?
Actually no, not at all. It all depends on how soon you harvest it, how long you let it hang in the drying barns and how many virgins you've had contact with in the past.
I bet your innocence is stout! You’ve surrounded yourself with virgins.
It's some pretty strong stuff all right. I usually mix in a little has.hish just to keep it from being so dang potent.
Swee . . .
Spriii . . .

And now, for my VERY lame start at this job, tell me . . . how do cheetah balls' innocence taste?

God, this is lame.